Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.