My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.