“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like