*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
You Might Also Like
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”