How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Tastes like chicken.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
anyone else like Italian cereal
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.