Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Thank you corporation very cool
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up