*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
This has made my week.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
why would tinder want me to say this
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’