sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…