this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.