Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I can’t stop watching this.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.