If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Jogging
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.