Van Gone
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex