If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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The best shot in the history of golf
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840