Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
3% human
97% stress
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla