Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.