[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.