me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…