I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
no one ever comes back
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.