I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
kitchen magnet