I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
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I have a type: disappointing
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
dam girl