[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
kids play hide and seek like
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
#oldknees
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.