My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
You Might Also Like
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
NASA has no chill
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural