[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Pot warmers of the day.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*jingles half the way*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
ACED my prostate exam!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
no their not
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat