*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
That 👊
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Merry Christmas
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.