“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
japanese corn
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
dogs can find happiness so easily
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Good dog. ❤️
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah