Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
first you must answer his riddles
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Happy Friday
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.