*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”