Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter