I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Sponch
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.