When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
You Might Also Like
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.