fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
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Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?