student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW