Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
LOL
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.