Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
🍞🦆
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”