My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends