People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.