Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.