Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Every work call, he judges.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex