Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My work here is done
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”