[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Weirdos gonna weird.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know