I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
HELP 😭
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.