You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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Lmbo
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.