[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.