Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
what’s more important?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question