This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here