Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”