After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If you know, you know
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Kermit goes Blue.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.