Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Happy thanksgiving!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
This is enough internet for the day.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear