When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Birds & Planes.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws