*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
<—- homeless romantic
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.